Changing My Body, Changed My World
Who knew cutting off my boob would have been the easiest thing for me to change?????
I found it so interesting that people found my ability to adjust to the fact that one of my best assets was being removed, yet, it didn’t phase me. What was really scary for me was change and the change I really needed was my hair……doing anything different seemed way too scary. Yes, I was the over 40-year-0ld who was never going to get with the times and accept that my long hair was thin, limp, and SO outdated. It literally was dragging me down.
I remember posting my first two pictures of myself post mastectomy where I was so proud of the way I felt….and when everyone else was cheering on my new look – minus one boob – all that I noticed was, oh that hair!
What made matters worse was, although the year had decided to not be so nice to me, it had begun in January with a yoga retreat where everyone seemed to be having some type of crisis except for me. My life was going so perfect. I had nothing to complain about. I was finally perfectly content with my life. So when we were asked to write down our intentions for the year all I could think to write was “I want to be brave and cut my hair.” Now here it was suddenly December and the only goal I had made was unmet.
I remember suddenly coming across that piece of paper and burst into tears at the thought that I had become incapable of the simplest of yearly tasks. Thank God for besties! While sitting having a cup of tea with my best friend I told her about the note I had found on my nightstand. Knowing me for the last 20 years she suddenly blurted out “You chopped off your boob without question, it won’t grow back, but your hair will!” Within minutes she had loaded me in her truck and before I had the chance to chicken out, we were at the hairdressers.
Armed with photos I had been carrying around on my phone for the past two years (yes, I wanted to be brave for years but was just too terrified of all the things that could go wrong) I sit on the chair and explain “I want you to cut it all off!”
“No,” she said “you need a bob.”
“I don’t want a bob.” I explained “I need it all off!”
She refused. Here I was finally being brave and this woman was being combative with me. Didn’t she know what I had been through? Clearly not, but she did know what I needed and so, I relented and let the expert do her job.
I can’t tell you what a relief it was to see all that hair laying dead on the floor. I walked out of there leaving behind the death of my friend, handfuls of cancer, and all the loss I had suffered. I was lighter and BRAVE!
If there is one thing you can do for yourself, go get yourself a haircut.
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